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i hate this negative feeling.

He was eating lemons. hahaaha. Funny lah.

It's late at night and I can't sleep

Missing you just runs too deep

Oh I can't breathe thinking of your smile. ~ Adam Lambert (Time for Miracles)

I haven't been myself lately. That, i dare admit. I don't know if it's because i am stressed up with the piles of workload i have to get them done with or was it just mere emotional distress? Either i am overly sensitive or those people are just testing much of my patience? Just tonight, i find the need to blog. I just needed someone or something to let it off my chest. I just don't want to bother dearest Syaa because her life is in great turmoil too. I really gotta meet my girls and let things off my chest. I haven't been feeling good. I cried silently but noone can ever picture me doing that.

Oh yes. Added to that. I visited grandpa just now as i had some function going on over at his place. Saddened enough to see the state he is at. Oh my. Just as i am typing out all these, my tears rolled down this very cheek. I cried in agony, in pain picturing him in my head. He wasn't the bubbly grandpa i used to see. All frail, bed ridden and wasn't the one with much to talk. He didn't even wanna look at us. It pains me to see how he was dependent on others. Worst part, i was checking out on him and found pressure sores over at the pelvic region. Was that my dearest grandad i have been seeing? I need not mention the illness he is suffering from but i can't help it. Such a strong man he was, but i didn't know what dampened his spirits to move on with life. All bones and just skin, looking so sunken; he was my beloved strong old man. As i massaged him, i recited prayers, hoping God would lessen his burden during death later on. I hope God forgives his sins. I miss you, Atuk. I really do. I was too speechless to say anything to him. Dumbstruck, i approached him, kissed his hands and bidded my goodbyes as i was leaving. ~ Ya Allah, ampunkan segala dosa atuk. Amin.

I have something bothering my mind but i don't wish to disclose to ANYONE about it. I mean, NOONE. Don't bother asking.

Just why, at times, the littlest things can agitate you so much, leading to great disputes? I told you in the previous blogs about relationships. I am now thinking, why have i been arguing with him? Although we have toned down, i'm still thinking hard. I guess, the only solution to it is to decrease the amount of time spent for us to talk. We need to give it a break. Take a step back. The closer you are, the more you are prone to arguments. If he is not irritated with me, i am irritated with him. At times, its hard to get clear explanations about this matter. It's called the clash of understanding. Despite all those, i love him. I really do. I told him, the song Art Of Love is for him.

I found out something that actually hurt me but i wished to keep one eye closed. Even if i am a born-ego, it doesn't mean i am a mannequin with no emotions. I have a soft inside that speaks a different language. The language of a lover.

Having said that, Thanks Dearest for the treats, the gifts. He treated me to Pizza Hut and bought me a box of Toblerone plus a card, of our photo and a self-written story about us on it. Thanks honey. He did another before that too and was given the last Friday. I wondered what's up with him and surprises. When people are too nice, they can be up to no good. So is he? He knows it himself. I can't answer that. Guilt tells a million vows.

Last but not least : Salam Aidila'dha to all my beloved Muslims.

fact : Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Well you can try sleeping on my bed.